Children were never part of my master plan. When I would think of my future it simply did not involve children. No, I didn't hate kids but I certainly did not enjoy their company. My niece, who is three, has terrified me since she was born. I suppose that makes motherhood a little more difficult for me to take joy in. Many women long to start a family and find such happiness in the thought of it. That is something I simply have never understood. But, to make it through many days, I had to figure it out. I had to find the joy.
At this moment I am looking down at my daughter as she grunts and wiggles in her sleep. I can't help but think that she is the most beautiful baby in the world. I'm grateful and proud of the days when those emotions overtake me. However, it does make me all the more frustrated with the days when it doesn't. Those days are fewer and farther between but it has taken several weeks to get to that point.
I've found that the trick is to not be ashamed of it. To not be ashamed of being beyond irritation and completely at wits end with a tiny baby that certainly didn't choose to join this world. It's not her fault as she screams out at the world. She did not decide to come into this world completely helpless and in need of someone to care for her. I brought that on her. I had to learn to set aside the frustration I was feeling more and more frequently and just love her. Love her without remorse or guilt. To look into her eyes as she cries out to me in need and only feel love. People told me this would just happen. They were wrong as nothing "just happens". It takes a conscious and ongoing effort. It takes a strong will.
Finding the joy in parenthood can be a taxing and sometimes overwhelming ongoing challenge. I know there will be days ahead when I just want to curl into a ball and block out the world but I will conquer those days.
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