My daughter and I don't have much of a nighttime routine, but it works for us. We change her diaper, give her a nice meal, and then I sing Amazing Grace and put her to bed. I'm sure this routine will evolve as she changes but for now it's good. It's right for us. We aren't a family that makes a lot of fuss. Before our bedtime routine started this evening I was snuggling my girl and reading a couple chapters of a book. I had read it once but it was in the first two months or so after she was born and, to say the least, I didn't retain much of it.
So I am sitting on the bed, little one is sitting on my leg leaning against me, when I stop and just look at her face. Her eyes were starting to droop and her little head was leaning heavily against my breast. I couldn't help but think what a beautiful girl she was. Her deep brown eyes so calm and relaxed and her face so serene. I just sat and stared at her for several minutes, at times stroking her cheek or kissing the top of her beautiful head. The love I felt in those few moments was so wonderful I wished it would never end.
Then a thought came to me, unbidden. At first it just flirted around the back of my mind but when it came to the forefront I was completely overwhelmed. I realized that this moment, this beautiful moment, would in fact end. Obviously my subconscious knew it would because nothing lasts forever, but the thought had never truly invaded my conscious mind. This moment, this beautiful moment and all others like it, would end. My wonderful daughter would grow and change, as she should, and these times would only be memories.
She was so innocent with her head resting against me and her hands quietly intertwined in her lap. So innocent. In her world everyone held her and played with her. They smiled when she smiled and helped to calm her when she cried. The hands that held her were gentle and the words spoken in her ear were soft. My daughter wanted for nothing and she gave so much happiness in return. But now the thought had entered my head that one day all of this would end. She would grow older and come to realize that the world is not a place of soft hands and gentle whispers. In that one moment, my heart completely broke. The innocent child in my arms would one day know the horrors of this world. She would no longer be comforted by her mother's arms or the flowing notes of Amazing Grace.
I sit here now a changed woman, with my daughter dozing just a few feet from me. Her face is so beautiful in the lamplight. I must cherish these moments I have with her because one day all too soon they will be gone. I will never be the same again.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Oh where oh where has my sanity gone...
Sanity as defined by dictionary.com is the state of being sane or soundness of mind. I ask you, who with a three month old has any mind left, much less a sane one. I'm hoping I will find it again one day but I highly doubt that will be the case. We are currently in the middle of our daily afternoon screaming session. This will often end with her vomiting followed by hiccups...which of course makes her scream again. The process also often ends in a few tears on momma's part as well. But we get through it.
I truly thought that I would thoroughly dislike being a mother. In my mind, before she was born, I saw it as a job without pay. One that is all consuming and without a break. It's not a job you can quit or take a vacation from. It is 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the rest of your life. That is perhaps a bit callous but none the less the truth. What I have discovered the last few weeks is how much fun it can be. When my daughter smiled at me for the first time my heart melted. Since then it has been a round of smiles, laughter, tears, and her tiny little baby snores. Nothing makes me happier then when she looks at me and her whole face breaks into a smile. Not just her mouth but the edges of her eyes turn up and she throws her arms in the air. There is nothing quite like pure joy on the face of one so innocent.
I would certainly never say that there aren't hard days mixed in with the fantastic. My daughter and I (and my entourage of pets) came to visit my parents near DC while my husband is deployed. Within a day or two of getting here, my little one started screaming and crying in obvious pain. I could not figure out what was wrong or what to do for her. She had not acted like this before, she was normally such a happy baby. Her typically small cries for attention were now piercing and shrill and little tears streaked down her cheeks. What was wrong with my baby? How could I help her? Luckily my mother and sister were on hand and after trying a few things, we discovered the little one had terrible gas. We all know how much gas built up in your system can hurt. After a slippery trip down to the drug store (we had recently had a fairly heavy snow) we were able to relieve her pain and she slipped into a nice nap. It just shows now matter how wonderful your child (and I know my girl is very well behaved and happy) there are still going to be some of "those" days.
I am just grateful that my child is such a happy, loving, and bright baby. Be thankful for what you have even if you never knew that you wanted it in the first place.
I truly thought that I would thoroughly dislike being a mother. In my mind, before she was born, I saw it as a job without pay. One that is all consuming and without a break. It's not a job you can quit or take a vacation from. It is 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the rest of your life. That is perhaps a bit callous but none the less the truth. What I have discovered the last few weeks is how much fun it can be. When my daughter smiled at me for the first time my heart melted. Since then it has been a round of smiles, laughter, tears, and her tiny little baby snores. Nothing makes me happier then when she looks at me and her whole face breaks into a smile. Not just her mouth but the edges of her eyes turn up and she throws her arms in the air. There is nothing quite like pure joy on the face of one so innocent.
I would certainly never say that there aren't hard days mixed in with the fantastic. My daughter and I (and my entourage of pets) came to visit my parents near DC while my husband is deployed. Within a day or two of getting here, my little one started screaming and crying in obvious pain. I could not figure out what was wrong or what to do for her. She had not acted like this before, she was normally such a happy baby. Her typically small cries for attention were now piercing and shrill and little tears streaked down her cheeks. What was wrong with my baby? How could I help her? Luckily my mother and sister were on hand and after trying a few things, we discovered the little one had terrible gas. We all know how much gas built up in your system can hurt. After a slippery trip down to the drug store (we had recently had a fairly heavy snow) we were able to relieve her pain and she slipped into a nice nap. It just shows now matter how wonderful your child (and I know my girl is very well behaved and happy) there are still going to be some of "those" days.
I am just grateful that my child is such a happy, loving, and bright baby. Be thankful for what you have even if you never knew that you wanted it in the first place.
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