...and then my heart broke

My daughter and I don't have much of a nighttime routine, but it works for us. We change her diaper, give her a nice meal, and then I sing Amazing Grace and put her to bed. I'm sure this routine will evolve as she changes but for now it's good. It's right for us. We aren't a family that makes a lot of fuss. Before our bedtime routine started this evening I was snuggling my girl and reading a couple chapters of a book. I had read it once but it was in the first two months or so after she was born and, to say the least, I didn't retain much of it. 

So I am sitting on the bed, little one is sitting on my leg leaning against me, when I stop and just look at her face. Her eyes were starting to droop and her little head was leaning heavily against my breast. I couldn't help but think what a beautiful girl she was. Her deep brown eyes so calm and relaxed and her face so serene. I just sat and stared at her for several minutes, at times stroking her cheek or kissing the top of her beautiful head. The love I felt in those few moments was so wonderful I wished it would never end. 

Then a thought came to me, unbidden. At first it just flirted around the back of my mind but when it came to the forefront I was completely overwhelmed. I realized that this moment, this beautiful moment, would in fact end. Obviously my subconscious knew it would because nothing lasts forever, but the thought had never truly invaded my conscious mind. This moment, this beautiful moment and all others like it, would end. My wonderful daughter would grow and change, as she should, and these times would only be memories. 

She was so innocent with her head resting against me and her hands quietly intertwined in her lap. So innocent. In her world everyone held her and played with her. They smiled when she smiled and helped to calm her when she cried. The hands that held her were gentle and the words spoken in her ear were soft. My daughter wanted for nothing and she gave so much happiness in return. But now the thought had entered my head that one day all of this would end. She would grow older and come to realize that the world is not a place of soft hands and gentle whispers. In that one moment, my heart completely broke. The innocent child in my arms would one day know the horrors of this world. She would no longer be comforted by her mother's arms or the flowing notes of Amazing Grace.

I sit here now a changed woman, with my daughter dozing just a few feet from me. Her face is so beautiful in the lamplight. I must cherish these moments I have with her because one day all too soon they will be gone. I will never be the same again.